Feeling frustrated with the lack of work-life balance in your life? You’re not alone. Many people with ADHD struggle with work-life balance. They spend a lot of money on time cubes and filing cabinets only to end up back at square one: overwhelmed, burnt out, and late for family dinner.
Do you ever go to bed thinking: everyone else seems to manage work, family, friendships, and self-care… Why does it feel impossible for me? Many look for answers in various places, but tend to overlook the common relationship between ADHD and people-pleasing as part of the solution.
Why People-Pleasing Is Overlooked in Adult ADHD?
People-pleasing shows up often in adults with ADHD. While common, it’s overlooked. These are different reasons for the relationship between ADHD and people-pleasing.
First, people-pleasing is reinforced by society. Many adults with ADHD are people pleasers with a spouse, co-worker, or boss who benefits from them moving mountains to help them. It’s seen as being a hard worker or even empathetic. Few bosses will tell anyone they are burning out and shouldn’t work on the weekends.
Besides the world around them, people with ADHD have a hard time being aware that they are people pleasing. They see it as a form of penance for forgotten homework, procrastination, or organizational difficulties.
People-pleasing provides adults with ADHD a mask. Underneath the armor of people-pleasing is a deep sensitivity to rejection and fear of being disliked. On some level, many people with ADHD believe that if they are nice enough, they will be a good enough parent, friend, employee, boss, or partner. That is, until they become burnt out and unable to maintain any balance in life.
What People-Pleasing Looks Like in Adults with ADHD
Because people-pleasing is hard to catch, knowing the signs can help you make changes. Here are some common ways people pleasing shows up with ADHD:
- Overcommitment. Are you a “yes person? Many people with ADHD believe they cannot say no. This often stems from our deep sensitivity to rejection. To cope with our fears, we prefer not to make any waves.
- Conflict avoidance. Many people-pleasers believe that if they speak their minds, they will get in trouble. You envision every conversation as a conflict. The result is never saying how you feel because you anticipate others becoming angry with you for everything.
- Perfectionism. Perfectionism can be performance-based for people with ADHD. You sincerely want to avoid getting trouble or appearing inadequate to others. In life, you believe that to not let others down, you need to aim for being perfect.
The ADHD + People-Pleasing Feedback Loop
ADHD and people-pleasing don’t work separately; they reinforce one another. While people-pleasing puts more on your plate, focus issues get worse. ADHD brains need rest and support to optimize focus. Focus worsens if your plate is too full and if you feel chronically inadequate for missing the mark.
To manage this, you’ve probably heard you need to “set boundaries.” That is everyone’s favorite pro-tip for people-pleasers. While advice like this is common, it often misses the mark for adults with ADHD. For them, “just setting a boundary” is more complicated than it sounds. The reason it is challenging is that people pleasers need to learn to change their relationship with setting boundaries.
Re-framing Boundaries
Consider your own perspective on boundary setting. Are you not setting a boundary because of realistic consequences, or do you not feel “good enough,” or “worthy” of setting boundaries? If you decide that low self-worth is getting in your way more than real danger, consider practicing setting boundaries.
To set boundaries safely, it’s helpful to start small with tasks that pose no actual risks—for example, declining to babysit your friend’s child. Intentionally taking a day off or deliberately leaving work on time one night. Be mindful of emotional cues that trigger things like guilt, shame, and fear. These are just emotional responses to unpracticed behavior; they are not evidence that you’re actually doing anything wrong. The goal is to persist despite strong feelings of guilt. Over time, you teach your ADHD brain that you can be assertive without consequences.
Find Work-Life Balance, Get Home on Time
Work-life balance only comes from practicing setting boundaries over time. Decide on some goals you want to set, such as leaving work on time. Practice asserting yourself slowly; no win is too small. Inch by inch, once you’ve said no enough, you craft a happier, more sustainable, less overwhelmed life.
When to Consider ADHD Treatment
People-pleasing exists on a spectrum. For some people, reading a blog will suffice. However, other people need more individualized support. People-pleasing can also be a result of adverse childhood experiences (like invalidating parents or being bullied). Because feelings of low self-worth are so ingrained, rewiring them may require additional support. If owning your worth feels too daunting to tackle alone, it’s time to see a specialist.
Begin Adult ADHD Treatment in Columbus, Ohio
Looking for more individualized support? You don’t have to live a life feeling like a doormat. ADHD-focused therapy can help you find your voice. Our counseling practice in Columbus, Ohio, has caring therapists who specialize in ADHD testing and treatment. To start your counseling journey with Focused Mind ADHD Counseling, follow these simple steps:
- Fill out the contact form to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation.
- Meet with one of our caring therapists.
- Stop feeling like your time is controlling you. Start controlling your time.
Other ADHD Services Offered at Focused Mind ADHD Counseling
Adult ADHD treatment is not the only service we offer at our Columbus, OH counseling practice. At Focused Mind ADHD Counseling, we offer a variety of mental health services, including ADHD testing. As an adult with ADHD, you may also benefit from ADHD testing, anxiety treatment for ADHD, counseling for men with ADHD, counseling for women with ADHD, couples therapy for ADHD, or depression counseling for ADHD. You can also view our blog for more resources and helpful info.
About the Author
Billy Roberts, LISW-S, LCSW, is a licensed psychotherapist and ADHD expert in Columbus, Ohio, specializing in ADD/ADHD in adults. He has been seen in TimeMagazine, CNN, HuffPost, and Forbes discussing his unique approach to ADHD-focused therapy. See Full Bio.
