ADHD and Relationships: 3 Ways to Achieve a More Equal Partnership with Improved Communication

When one person has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and the other doesn’t, it’s really hard to find balance. Both parties may feel invisible, stuck in an “ADHD and relationships negative feedback cycle.” The non-ADHD partner wants to jump in and provide advice, but the ADHD partner shuts down out of guilt and shame, wishing their partner could understand how their brain works. Sound familiar?

For both parties, you might be spending a lot of sleepless nights feeling like you can’t win. Is an equal partnership even possible? Yes, but the solutions might be different than you think.

ADHD brains and non-ADHD brains experience life differently. But if you think about it, having a relationship of brain-based differences is not all that different from working through any other type of difference in a relationship. Balance is always more possible with improved communication. Let’s explore some tips for finding more equality in your ADHD relationship.

The Myth of Relationship Equality

I know we were supposed to talk about equality, but I think there’s a better word for what you’re looking for: synergy. ADHD couples spend a lot of time getting frustrated around the “equality” of tasks in everyday life. And for good reason. It’s not uncommon for one person to carry more of the mental load of life. But as Brené Brown puts it, “relationships are never 50/50.” The idea is that we all have certain amounts of energy to give on certain days (i.e. “I only have 60% today, can you spot me?”). And we need to be honest about how full our cup feels. The point is, that you need to communicate clearly about what’s going on so you can synergize.

But all of that doesn’t mean that sharing responsibility isn’t possible. However, for ADHD couples it does mean synergy rather than equality might be a better goal. When ADHD relationships go well, both parties use their strengths to succeed. However, to get to a place of living with synergy, you’ll need to improve communication and talk about your needs in better ways to find common ground. Making you both feel safe emotionally so that you’re heard is the key. Let’s go through some tips on how to start making progress.

Assume Positive Intent

All couples have a tendency to assume negative intent. However, this can be a huge problem in ADHD couples. ADHD traits aren’t intentional. People with ADHD forget, delay, get sidetracked, and struggle to complete tasks. There are a lot of tools that improve these tendencies, but the tendencies themselves aren’t intended to harm anyone. On the other hand, people with ADHD (like all people) can choose not to do things, which isn’t ADHD per se. However, most ADHD traits occur outside of an ADHDer’s awareness.

So when in doubt, unless someone is being outright cruel, aggressive, or passive-aggressive, it’s best to assume positive intent. For a non-ADHD partner, that might look like this:

Not awesome thoughts: “Here he goes again, ignoring my needs and not finishing the laundry.”

A better thought process: “Working-memory impairments make remembering tough.”

Make a clean request: “Hey, I think I heard the laundry buzz. Could you switch it?”

Encourage, Praise, Validate, Repeat

A big communication issue with couples is the withholding of positive reinforcement. “Why should he get a gold star for doing what is expected of him?” Or “why bother saying thank you to her? She never appreciates anything I do.” Both non-ADHD and ADHD people can be guilty of withholding praise out of their own anger or hurt. It’s easy to get locked into your own feelings. But in relationships, you also tend to get back what you put in. So next time your partner does something you like, consider the power or praise. It only increases the chances that the behavior will occur again.

Avoiding the ADHD Shutdown

ADHD people have a tendency to shut down when they get discouraged. However, this often leaves their neurotypical partners feeling shut out. When navigating ADHD and relationships, it’s important for ADHDers to express their feelings rather than avoid them whenever possible. Be sure to use “I feel” statements. This ensures that dialogue remains open and non-ADHD partners feel more safe expressing their feelings. Not all couples feel safe sharing feelings with one another. If this is the case, couples therapy could provide a safer place to practice.

Use Short and Clear Sentences

ADHD brains have a hard time filtering out new information. It’s not only what their partners are saying, it’s sensory input from the environment overloading them. If a non-ADHD partner is trying to talk about something with a lot of steps (finances, meal prep, kids’ schedules), they should be sure to speak in short and direct sentences to decrease overwhelm in the ADHD partner. This also increases the chance the ADHDer will hear, understand, and act on their words. A caveat…don’t talk down to your partner. This tip just means to understand that if you’re in a rush or speaking quickly, something might go overlooked. So just slow down a bit.

Let’s review…

  • All relationships have similarities and differences.
  • Communication is the key to improved connection.
  • Synergizing will be more helpful than keeping score.
  • Assume positive intent.
  • Use positive reinforcement.
  • Avoid the ADHD shutdown.
  • Speak in clear and short sentences if you want to make a request.

ADHD people and non-ADHD people can complement one another well in romantic relationships. The key is more positive communication than negative communication. If you feel like you’re not making progress on your own, it may be time for ADHD-focused couples counseling.

Address ADHD and Relationships with ADHD-Focused Couples Counseling in Columbus, Ohio

Looking for more individualized support? You don’t have to feel stuck. ADHD-focused couples counseling can help improve communication. Our counseling practice in Columbus, Ohio has caring therapists who specialize in ADHD testing and ADHD treatment. To start your counseling journey with Focused Mind ADHD Counseling, follow these simple steps:

  • Fill out the contact form to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation.
  • Meet with one of our caring therapists.
  • Stop feeling stuck. Start feeling understood.

Other ADHD Services Offered at Focused Mind ADHD Counseling

ADHD-focused couples counseling is not the only service we offer at our Columbus, OH counseling practice. At Focused Mind ADHD Counseling, we offer a variety of mental health services, including ADHD testing. As an adult with ADHD, we know you may also benefit from adult ADHD treatmentanxiety treatment for ADHD, counseling for men with ADHD, adult ADHD treatment, or depression counseling for ADHD. You can also view our blog for more resources!