On paper, Dan was doing everything right. In reality, his marriage was hanging by a thread. He genuinely wanted to be a better partner and parent. But every time he and his wife argued, she brought up the “mental load“ she carried. He would nod along, confused—like a deer in headlights. He’d even read the first 15 pages of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus…but it didn’t say anything about any mental load. Dan felt defeated and lost. It wasn’t until he and his wife saw a couples therapist who specialized in Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and relationships that things finally clicked: he hadn’t seen the invisible labor his wife had been carrying all along.
Over the years, the tasks that didn’t mesh well with his ADHD had quietly shifted onto her plate. Dan felt guilty and wanted to show up better; his wife was exhausted from tiptoeing around conflict. The secret to ending resentment? Putting in the work to rebalance the mental load.
It took time—but with awareness of their patterns and implementation of new tools, they got things done…as a team.
What is the Mental Load?
Mental load refers to the “thinking work” of daily life. It includes questions like: Who will pick up the kids from daycare? What forms do we need to register for kindergarten? When will we finall replace the flower bed? Relationships involve more than just completing tasks; they also require planning and organization. When we carry around a mental to-do list, we’re managing the mental load.
ADHD Brain and Mental Load
ADHD brains aren’t naturally designed to hold a lot all at once. Here are some reasons why:
- Working memory differences make it hard to literally remember everything.
- Self-regulation issues draw you off task (i.e. online shopping sprees at 1am, looking around the home office for your crochet materials during the workday, unexpectedly long convos with coworkers, etc.).
- Tiny moments of distraction make things fall through the cracks.
- Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) makes it hard to ask for help, delegate, etc.
- Emotional dysregulation causes you to get deep into your feelings (and out of your to-do list).
The Impact of Mental Load on ADHD and Relationships
Mental load imbalances are common in ADHD relationships and can fall more heavily on either the ADHD or non-ADHD partner. This mental load—managing all the planning, organizing, packing, and scheduling—can quietly build resentment.
Over time, frustration grows, communication falters, and intimacy begins to fade. Many couples feel the strain wearing down their connection like a boulder, until one day they look at each other and think: Who are we? We’ve lost what made us…us.
Restoring Balance: Coping with Mental Load Imbalance
The Power of Consistent Communication
People who carry the mental load often do so in silence—until conflict erupts. One big reason? Mind-reading. The hope that someone will just notice your struggles without you having to say a word. But the truth is, mind reading isn’t possible for anyone but Jedis, so the suffering quietly continues…until it doesn’t.
When things finally boil over, frustrations tend to come out all at once, catching the other partner completely off guard. The cure? Speak up—regularly and clearly. Assume your partner won’t know how you feel unless you tell them. A disclaimer: be nice.
The Value of Structure
Family meetings are a powerful way to create structure and accountability. Set aside time once a week to go over schedules, plans, meals, finances—whatever needs attention. Use this time to divide responsibilities for the week ahead, and circle back the following week to check in.
When you meet again, keep the tone positive: recognize each other’s efforts and celebrate what got done (and calmly brainstorm how to improve what didn’t).
The Motivational Magic of Validation
John Gottman, a renowned couples therapist, identified four behaviors that most often predict divorce: criticism, stonewalling, contempt, and defensiveness. So what’s the solution to avoiding these relationship pitfalls?
Empathy (🎵Dun dun dunnnnnn…🎵)
One of the best ways to build empathy is through validation—saying something like, “I know work’s been really tough for you lately, but can you take a look at the kitchen sink?” Spoiler alert: sometimes you have to fake it till you make it. Validation doesn’t always come naturally when you’re frustrated with someone else, but practicing it consistently can shift communication and help increase productivity.
Key Takeaways
- The mental load is the invisible “thinking work” that keeps life running.
- ADHD couples often experience imbalances with mental load.
- When the mental load is imbalanced, it can breed resentment, disconnection, and conflict.
- The first steps to healing the imbalance: assertive communication, clear structure, and consistent validation.
Address ADHD and Relationships with ADHD-Focused Couples Counseling in Columbus, Ohio
Looking for more individualized support? You don’t have to feel stuck. ADHD-focused couples counseling can help improve communication. Our counseling practice in Columbus, Ohio has caring therapists who specialize in ADHD testing and ADHD treatment. To start your counseling journey with Focused Mind ADHD Counseling, follow these simple steps:
- Fill out the contact form to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation.
- Meet with one of our caring therapists.
- Stop feeling imbalanced. Start feeling supported.
Other ADHD Services Offered at Focused Mind ADHD Counseling
ADHD-focused couples counseling is not the only service we offer at our Columbus, OH counseling practice. At Focused Mind ADHD Counseling, we offer a variety of mental health services, including ADHD testing. As an adult with ADHD, we know you may also benefit from adult ADHD treatment, anxiety treatment for ADHD, counseling for men with ADHD, adult ADHD treatment, or depression counseling for ADHD. You can also view our blog for more resources!
