Completing chores with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is a battle. You know how it is: folding the laundry is quickly derailed by social media alerts and text messages; by the time you can take out the garbage…it’s overflowing. Organizational systems fall apart over time, messes pile up, and suddenly you feel like you’re drowning. For an ADHD person living alone, the struggle to complete chores is real. When relationships only have one partner with ADHD, that’s a different minefield altogether. And it requires a more, shall we say…strategic line of attack.
Does this sound familiar?
- Fights about who is going to do the dishes or laundry
- Not living up to your partner’s expectations of an organized life
- Hearing your partner complain about how you buy too much stuff and it’s creating too much clutter
- A sense of disbelief from the non-ADHD partner: “Should this really be this hard?”
- Feeling demoralized and mad at yourself for letting your partner down when disorganized
Why Do Chores Start Wars For ADHD Couples?
ADHD brains work differently than non-ADHD brains. For example, ADHD brains have a difficult time with recall. That means they may forget where to put the remote…even though it was discussed a thousand times. The information just doesn’t pop up in the ADHD brain at the right time. 
In addition to memory issues, ADHD brains also struggle to plan, which means that if you’re looking for an ADHD person to create the organizational system, you might find yourself disappointed.
True story: relationships require give and take. But many ADHD couples lack the awareness of ADHD traits, so finding the right organizational systems is often a bust. Talking about chores in and of itself is an even bigger balancing act. “Should I bring it up now? I don’t want them to be upset… Maybe I’ll just lie and say I cleaned the sink. I plan on getting to it later. What’s the harm?” Over time, a build up of ineffective task management and even more ineffective communication due to emotional burn out leads to chore wars in relationships.
Three Ways to End Chore Wars in Relationships
Stop Walking on Eggshells
For an ADHD person, talking about chores in their relationship can be overwhelming. Because ADHD can be sensitive to criticism and rejection, ADHDers can have strong reactions to being approached about why they aren’t doing something the way others hoped. While some might get angry, others engage in the ADHD shutdown. Over time, both parties avoid working through the emotions related to a mismatch in chore completion. The result becomes feeling unheard and invalidated, with no ability to find solutions that actually work. Start by not playing the blame game. It’s important to separate the behavior from the person. Rather than, “You’re just so unreliable,” try something like, “I don’t like when you say you’ll take out the trash but don’t.”
Find ADHD-Friendly Solutions
Having happy and healthy relationships with ADHD is very possible. However, you first must accept that non-ADHD solutions don’t work for ADHD brains. Part of why people hire ADHD therapists is to uncover the tools that work best for ADHD. For example, non-ADHD people usually like to put laundry away, out of sight, in drawers or covered baskets. However, out of sight doesn’t work well for ADHD people in relationships. Many may prefer having baskets visible for clean and dirty laundry. High levels of visibility helps remind them when it’s time to take action (e.g.: doing laundry).
Family Meetings
Family meetings improve communication and task completion. With a set time, place, and intention, it gives both partners a space to talk about what’s on the list. Discussing what worked and what didn’t is also a helpful conversation. When something went well, go ahead and give each other praise. But remember to take the focus off the person and onto the system itself. People with ADHD thrive with accountability, as long as it’s supportive. 
Putting It All Together
You don’t need to change everything overnight. A small adjustment to any organizational routine to start is preferred. This way you can slowly build up habits over time. However, the key part is working together, accepting whatever out-of-the-box solutions appear to work for you or your partner’s unique ADHD brain, and building things up from an honest place.
Get Support for ADHD and Relationships With Adult ADHD Treatment in Columbus, Ohio
Looking for more individualized support? You don’t have to tip toe around organization issues forever. ADHD-focused therapy can help you build communication and systems that work. Our counseling practice in Columbus, Ohio has caring therapists who specialize in ADHD testing and ADHD treatment. To start your counseling journey with Focused Mind ADHD Counseling, follow these simple steps:
- Fill out the contact form to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation.
- Meet with one of our caring therapists.
- Stop feeling overwhelmed with organization. Start finding solutions.
Other ADHD Services Offered at Focused Mind ADHD Counseling
Adult ADHD treatment for relationships is not the only service we offer at our Columbus, OH counseling practice. At Focused Mind ADHD Counseling, we offer a variety of mental health services, including ADHD testing. As an adult with ADHD, we know you may also benefit from anxiety treatment for ADHD, counseling for men with ADHD, ADHD-focused couples counseling, or depression counseling for ADHD . You can also view our blog for more resources!
