Everybody wants to be liked…or at the very least, accepted. That’s human. But for a lot of people with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), that desire hits differently, especially in the workplace. Maybe this sounds familiar: you catch yourself saying “yes” when your plate’s already overflowing. And you feel physical pain at the possibility that your boss might criticize you. For many people-pleasers with ADHD, trying to avoid conflict feels like a full-time job.
In truth, it takes a lot of energy to avoid difficult conversations: you need to lie, cover up your tracks, and bite off more than you can chew. All the excess energy winds up creating burnout and chronic overwhelm. And your actual job? Well, that might be impacted more than you realize.
Let’s dig into the subtle (and not so subtle) ways conflict avoidance at work is costing you in the long run…literally.
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria
99% of people with ADHD experience Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), an intense wordless pain when anticipating or experiencing rejection. Why does this happen? The nervous system of ADHD has difficulty regulating the emotional response to rejection. Turns out, the shame around masking mistakes (and the fear of being exposed for making one) runs deep.
To cope with RSD, many people with ADHD learn to please others at their own expense. This is different from being nice. People pleasing means you read the room for what others need and sacrifice yourself to ensure you meet their needs. Voicing your own opinion, needs, or limits feels too big of a risk.
How Conflict Avoidance Impacts Work Performance
Do the words “not ready” for a certain promotion, title, or job sound familiar? Despite good work performance, many people who avoid conflict also find they aren’t moving forward in their careers. Why? People who do a “good job” are usually pretty agreeable. While being a team player is good, it also has some downsides for people-pleasers.
Overly agreeable people are often risk-averse. They struggle to speak up in the right rooms because they want to avoid “making waves.” This can lead to stunted career growth (which means, stunted salaries as well). But that’s not all. Saying yes all the time also leads to burnout and loss of motivation. Over time, you just start checking boxes, without the drive to innovate, collaborate, and go after what you want.
Signs You Struggle with Conflict Avoidance
Do you steer clear of disagreements and difficult conversations? If you prefer to side-step emotionally intense interactions, these common signs of conflict avoidance might sound familiar to you:
- Avoiding saying no
- Difficulty with endings (i.e., letting conversations and meetings go on too long due to fear that you haven’t done a good job)
- Telling your boss or co-workers “everything is fine” (when it’s not fine)
- Never seeking promotions
- Trying to “fly under the radar” (i.e, avoiding more complex projects that might make you more visible)
- You over-explain or over-apologize
Break the Cycle
The best way to stop avoiding conflict is to start speaking up. Improving communication helps in a couple of ways. First, it can reduce the mental load and anxiety of keeping what you need a secret. Next, speaking up shows confidence and leadership potential. Lastly, speaking up allows you to start setting boundaries to protect your time and get more things done that matter.
But here’s the hard part: conflict avoiders often equate disagreement with disapproval. Because of RSD, you may believe speaking up is dangerous (because it means rejection). The cure is to practice assertiveness (being kind but clear and direct). Here are some small ways to start using assertiveness in your life:
- Say what you think with curiosity: “Can I share a different idea with you?”
- Practice saying no (without explaining): “I’m sorry, I won’t be able to attend tonight.” When in doubt, buy time: “I’ll need to think about that.”
- Use “I” statements: “I would like to discuss some other options…”
If those sound like anxiety-provoking statements, you may be on the right track. The only way to break the cycle of conflict
avoidance is to lean into emotional discomfort, not away. Lowering emotional distress comes after you take action, not before. Through changing behavior, your brain gets a different message than the one ingrained: “Wait just one second here! The world didn’t end because I said no. In fact, I’m more productive and confident.” Over time, the motivation created by speaking your mind grows; as does your confidence (and your bank account).
Key Takeaways:
- For many people-pleasers with ADHD, trying to avoid conflict is a full-time
- To cope with RSD, many people with ADHD learn to please others at their own expense
- Saying yes all the time also leads to burnout and loss of
- Speaking up builds confidence and assertiveness, but it takes gradual practice of communication skills.
Begin Adult ADHD Treatment in Columbus, Ohio
Looking for more individualized support? You don’t have to feel so invisible and burnt out. ADHD-focused therapy can help you speak your mind and get what you want. Our counseling practice in Columbus, Ohio, has caring therapists who specialize in ADHD testing and ADHD treatment. To start your counseling journey with Focused Mind ADHD Counseling, follow these simple steps:
- Fill out the contact form to schedule a free 15-minute phon calle
- Meet with one of our caring therapists.
- Stop feeling invisible. Start finding your voice.
Other ADHD Services Offered at Focused Mind ADHD Counseling
Adult ADHD treatment is not the only service we offer at our Columbus, OH, counseling practice. At Focused Mind ADHD Counseling, we offer a variety of mental health services, including ADHD testing. As an adult with ADHD, we know you may also benefit from anxiety treatment for ADHD, counseling for men with ADHD, couples therapy for ADHD, or depression counseling for ADHD. You can also view our blog for more resources and helpful info.
